Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Road trip activities for adults

I used to love road trips. Key word: used to. The days when I could have long, deep, uninterrupted conversations about literature, pop culture and the arts (read: People magazine, Britney Spears' latest episode of crazy and the Simpsons' best moments) are long in the past. Now, my favourite road game is seeing how long Mr. T and I can tune out the protesting shrieks from the backseat before one of us whips around to growl the warning to "Be. Quiet." I say game because we see who can get the longest time. Being that I'm their regular chauffeur and have far more practice, I end up winning most of the time. My prize is usually a shoe to the back of the head.

My family always did family vacations via road trip. I don't even think I took a plane on any sort of vacation until we went to Disneyland when I was 13. My little brother and I are so accustomed to the car, we usually nod off within minutes of reaching the highway. Which has only become an issue since Mr. T and I got married, because he likes it when I stay awake to keep him company.

For our upcoming Thanksgiving weekend, we're embarking on a 13 hour torture voyage car trip to visit Mr. T's family for the holiday. Let the record show, I gently suggested we stop just past the halfway mark and stay overnight to give the kids (and ourselves) a break. Mr. T wants to get it over with it all at once. So I'm going with it. Mostly because nothing gives me more joy than a public "I told you so."

I've been trying to figure out ways to stay awake on the road. At this point, I'm convinced my drowsiness is biological and that Daniel Craig could be in the driver's seat trying to escape Russian terrorists, and my head would still be bumping on the window, with a little trail of drool running down my chin.

But I'll give it a shot using some of these road trip activities I've come up with for adults.

Mobile Purge
Nope, not a fancy way of saying "car sick." I noticed yesterday that since Shooter discovered how to take photos and videos while my phone is locked (which I can't even figure out, by the way), I have over 1,600 photos and videos stored on my phone. Cleaning those up should waste a good hour or two, and also stimulate me as I try to identify which body part I'm looking at, and who it belongs to.

Booze from A-Z
The alphabet game, but with liquor brands and types. Zinfandel for the win!

Celebrity Death Pool
We've had one going for a few years now, but it's about time we updated it, crossed off the names of the dearly departed and add Hollywood's latest train wrecks to the list. We each come up with some names, discuss the expected cause of death (accidental overdose, naturally) and predict a time frame. If your first list is all Lohans, try to think of a few more more and come back to it later. Lindsay and Michael are neck-and-neck for the top spot on our list, so it's certainly not just you.

Letter Writing Campaign
I've been meaning to write for Seth Rogen for years to demand he compensate me for the money and two hours of my life I wasted on The Green Hornet. And to Heidi Klum for trying to bring back shoulder pads. You don't actually have to send your letters in the mail.  Just draft one in a notebook and send it digitally once you find a connection.

You can also take this activity in a more positive direction and write to people you admire. For example, I would like to profess my love for Bill Hader (to Bill Hader, in case that wasn't clear), but I've never had to the time to devote to the care it needs so it doesn't end in a restraining order.

Words that sound dirty, but aren't
Exactly what it sounds like, and always a real crowd pleaser. Especially entertaining if your humour never graduated past that of an adolescent schoolboy.

To get you started:

Titular
Epidermis
Penal Code

I have...
Like the popular "I have never..." but this one is used as a time of confession to your travel partner. Like "I have...been flirted with by an tasty 26-year old who seemed to think the fact that I had a cute 18--month old was an attractive quality." Or "I have...lightly bumped the front end of our vehicle into a lamp post while parking."The good news is you have 10-and-a-half hours to hash these things out. Or sit in angry silence and listen to "C is for Cookie" play for the 647th time in a row. Beautiful family memories to cherish for a lifetime, am I right?

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Forgive me internet, for I have sinned

I'm not Catholic, but I've often thought all that confession must be good for the soul. Of course, everything I know about the practice comes from TV and movies, though I'm pretty sure most priests in those confessional booths don't look like Antonio Banderas. Today I had the thought that maybe getting a few things off my chest would be a good start to my weekend. And since I"m running a half-marathon on Saturday  morning, surely I will be lighter on my feet without all the guilt weighing me down. That's how this stuff works, right?

Okay here goes (I should note that this only accounts for things in the past two weeks, because often days I have to think hard to remember the exact date my kids were born, so I can't possibly be expected to remember the wrongdoings I committed before that):

* On one of the many nights I was the last one to bed, I was fumbling around in the dark bathroom and suddenly realized I was brushing my teeth with Mr. T's toothbrush. And I didn't tell him. But at least this time neither of us had strep throat. Sorry honey.

* I promised my friend A. I wouldn't stay up late getting ready for Shooter's birthday party. The next day when she asked what time I got to bed, I replied with a vague, "Oh, not that late." In all fairness, 2 a.m. is still early for some people. Like strippers. And hey, my night involved glitter too.



* I just compared prepping my daughter's fourth birthday party to taking off my clothes for money.

* It was really 3 a.m.

* I voluntarily watched the movie Honey for the second time in my life (it was on TV) and I remembered some of the scenes, even though it's been years since I saw it for the first time. For the record, I do not remember a specific moment or scene from any of the Lord of the Rings movies.

* I finished the wine. All the times. This was not a one-time occurrence.

* 5 a.m. I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP.

*  I ran alone in the park after the sun had gone down, despite my mother's constant pleas to "please, never run alone in the park." Sorry mama, I won't do it again.

* I spilled dry cereal on the floor and let Little Dude and the dog eat it instead of sweeping or vacuuming it up.

I was right. I have a sense of clarity now. I should probably go ruin that with some sort of caffeine overdose or blatant disregard for the AAP warnings to avoid television for children under two.